The road we choose will take us to where we end up

 

That morning, in Caldas de Reis, Anne and I decided not to consult our map before heading out the door. Instead, we just went with our gut, our intuition. It wasn't the first time we discovered that, while our intuition serves us well in many areas of life, this is not necessarily the case when it comes to literally navigating our way. We are, as it turns out, prime examples of the phrase “directionally challenged.” Still, we loved practicing trusting our intuition where navigation was concerned, even though, more than once, that landed us right back where we started. We didn’t really care; We had the time and energy to recalibrate and start again. That morning we had all of the resources we needed (our maps and directions) to set a direct course to Padron, we just chose not to use them.  

 

There is that old saying: “Insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result.” We weren’t insane; we knew very well that trusting our intuition might lead us somewhere else other than where we ultimately wanted to go, but the stakes were low, and the gamble added humor and a sense of adventure. When it did matter we made sure to use our available resources, including the advice of others with experience.

 

I make a lot of choices every day. Some are tiny and unimportant. Some are huge, with long term ramifications. I have a pretty clear idea of where I want to end up at the end of my life pilgrimage: Generally I want healthy companionship, security, joy, and life work filled with meaning and purpose. Every choice I make regarding how to show up and walk through my day impacts whether or not I will end up where I hope to end up. 

 

It amazes me how “right” most of us get it, in most of the areas of our lives. We have an idea of where we want to be in life, and we have the inner resources we need to pick the correct path to get us there. The mystery for me though, is that most of us, though fundamentally very competent people, seem to have at least one area of our lives where we continue to stumble and take a more circuitous route. We do “what comes naturally” and we keep ending up off track. We rely on "our own best thinking" and we end up right back where we started; Sometimes over, and over, and over again. Every time we're surprised, and ask: "How did I mess up again?" The temptation is to blame someone else: God, the universe, our parents, our circumstances, our luck. Then, one day, if we are lucky, we grow up and begin to accept responsibility for the decisions that keep leading us off course. I think we finally become adults the moment we realize we are not victims but rather volunteers, and that we are the only common denominator in all of the false starts that have led us to emotional isolation, financial insecurity, relational contention, agitation, or aimless wandering.

 

It’s true that our inner compass was set when we were children, in homes that may have been far from perfect, and that our mistakes make sense in light of our background, but, even the strongest compass can be re-calibrated one degree at a time once we’re willing to admit that it needs adjusting. I’ve learned the hard way to be willing, and thankfully, I’ve seen that just one degree of conscious adjustment at a time points me closer to where I want to go. 

 

One tiny shift, where I listen longer, before I react, draws me closer to others. Feeling and accepting my anxiety, before I begin my effort to control a situation, leads me closer to God’s will. Practicing faith instead of succumbing to my fear minimizes the damage I do to myself and other people. To go with self-discipline, when self-indulgence seems so much more attractive, moves me towards self-esteem. Boundaries and self-care reduce my agitation and increase my sense of safety. Saying “yes” when “no” comes more naturally opens opportunities. Saying “no more” instead of keeping a fearful silence leads me down the road closer to intimacy, not just with myself but with others. 

 

The road I’m on always takes me where I end up. Often there isn’t any harm in that, but sometimes there is. There were multiple paths to Santiago, but there were an equal number that headed in exactly the opposite direction. Since Santiago was where we aimed to go it was important for us to recognize the limitations of our intuition where navigation was concerned. We learned to recognize when the stakes were high and became willing to ignore “what came naturally”  and consult our more trustworthy resources. Our route wasn’t perfect, few routes are, but, in the end we ended up where we wanted to go. That was cause for celebration! 

 

Reflections

 

It’s said that if something happens once in our lives it’s a fluke, twice it’s a coincidence, but when the count is three or more, it has become a pattern. We all have healthy patterns, areas of our lives that keep going right for us, and we deserve to take some credit and celebrate our gifts that make that so. At the same time, we all have areas of our lives where we keep experiencing the same failures and frustrations over and over: Relational contention, strained friendships, debt, betrayal, career instability. While the specifics may differ, if we are honest we can see that we are the only common denominator. Every time we feel a familiar, or repetitive pain it’s easy to feel un-lucky or as though the universe is conspiring against us. We long for the stressors to end. Relief becomes possible the moment we understand that we are not victims, but rather volunteers in relationship, and life patterns that go awry. Change becomes possible when we look outside ourselves for qualified help in changing the choices we make. Because it’s impossible to solve problems with the same mind that keeps creating them, we have to be humble enough to seek direction from those that get it more “right” than we.

 

    1.  In which areas of your life do you consistently experience success and satisfaction? What is it about you that explains why these areas typically go so well? Take a moment to celebrate your strengths and the positive impact they have on your life. Consider ways you could be a resource for others who struggle in areas where you are strong.

    2.  What areas of your life have brought more frustration, shame, or despair than you would like?  Can you identify the patterns of choices, beliefs, or behaviors that keep leading you towards such familiar pain? Are you aware of resources that could help “recalibrate your inner compass” so that different choices would become more natural?  What makes asking for help difficult?